Leadership: Building a Community vs. a Cool Kids Club
I learned that the more approval-seeking leader is, the more likely they are to create a Cool Kids Club rather than a community.
Note: some of the content of this article is adapted from my book Hacking Communities
My experience in selecting, leading, and coaching at least two hundred community leaders across four continents led me to hone in on the definition of community leadership.
Defining it by contrast, I established the key differences between building communities and what I call a "Cool Kids Club".
I learned that the more insecure a leader is, the more likely they are to create a Cool Kids Club rather than a community. A Cool Kids Club gives people instant gratification, providing you with a badge you can stick anywhere to validate your worth. These are faster to scale but costly to keep up.
In contrast, communities grow slower but are way harder (or impossible) to kill. Like dandelions, communities spread their seeds, and even if dormant, these will eventually crack the pavement and regrow where least expected.
Belonging to a community requires more profound work, but it implies you are worth it and welcome, because of who you are.
Building Authentic Spaces
Our cultures often create a fertile ground for Cool Kids Clubs by creating an illusion of insufficiency. That is: we are only enough if we look, act and show up a certain way. When your environment pulls the fear and scarcity strings in you, it may signify that you must step out of your comfort zone to find true belonging. As in many characters' journeys, it is time for you to step out the door into exile.
I found that the most insecure leaders also tended to be the ones who centralized decision-making the most, coming across as authoritarian. By authoritarian, I mean people who had the following traits:
Wanting their opinion or ideas to prevail at all costs
Being defensive at constructive feedback
Using ambivalent communication, lack of transparency, or holding to information as power
Playing a two-sided role, consciously or unconsciously using "divide and conquer" strategies to control their teams.
Pointing fingers and blaming others for mistakes on their teams
Tyranny is a fear-driven type of leadership that gets people to act from fear and parts from the fear it holds to rule. It inspires fear because it has it. You can't inspire a feeling you don't have.
We all have many feelings inside, including love and fear. Let's picture feelings like strings in a musical instrument: there are myriad ways those can be played to define the emotions its music will express.
People are like flesh-and-bone pianos whose chords (emotions) can sound differently depending on who is playing. Choosing who you surround yourself with is like choosing what chords you want to prevail. Like a piano, we can resonate in different ways, depending on who hits our keys.
Choosing to build (and join) communities can help you play your best symphony.
When you sign up for a Cool Kids Club, you're bound to be driven by fear - meaning you'll be potentially subject to a scarcity mentality involving power plays, people-pleasing, and politics. To fit in, you'll find yourself trying hard to be cool. And afraid of being left out.
Conversely, communities are about true belonging. It's love-driven - meaning that you are at your best version just by showing up. You can drop down your efforts to explain yourself: they already get you. You speak the same language. Communities power people's best selves. It feels like coming home, exhaling with relief after a rough drive, taking a hot shower, and sitting by the fire with a warm cup of tea.
Becoming a Community Leader
If what you have built feels more like a Cool Kids Club, don't be hard on yourself but know that it will always depend on you, meaning that it won't grow if you don't control it. If you are fine with that (or if that is precisely what you wanted), I strongly advise you not to read my book. It won't resonate with you. Some leaders, knowingly or unknowingly, create an environment where they are indispensable and consider it a good thing.
Whenever you are indispensable in a vertical or pyramid type of hierarchy, it probably means you have a Cool Kids Club, not a community.
The most significant disadvantage of a Cool Kids Club is that it will only grow if you micromanage it. At scale, keeping it alive implies aggressive propaganda (or advertising) and high-cost mass-control techniques that eventually lead (any) empire to some downfall.
Communities will grow exponentially. It is in their nature to spread organically, growing even through the cracks of the pavement - like dandelion seeds. They require leaders who are brave enough to trust people, empower them, and let go. As a true community leader, you must empower people with the core values which define their everyday decisions, actions, and behaviors. Building genuine communities means constantly daring to make yourself obsolete by empowering others to take on roles you used to have.
At its core, what matters in community building is building relationships based on authenticity, where everyone feels like giving their best and caring for each other.